How to Clean Your House for Visitors in Ten Minutes or Less

Because I know it is possible some of you do not keep your homes visitor or in-law ready 24/7, I have provided simple step-by-step instructions for what to do when you get the random text at 10 am on a Tuesday saying, “Hey, I’m in the neighborhood and thought I would drop off that book of excellent parenting advice I’ve been telling you about.”

This will also serve well for those situations in which you forgot you had plans with someone until they announce they are headed over. Ditto for occasions on which you remembered full well they were coming over but were too busy trying to keep your toddler from coloring on the library books to do anything about it…. And are then filled with a rush of adrenaline/panic/doom as you look around your laundry and toy strewn living-room, gaze upon the dishes overflowing the sink and observe the yogurt slowly dripping onto the kitchen floor…. Not that I would know what that is like…

Ahem. Nevertheless: Instructions!

1. Grab laundry basket
2. Throw all contents of living room floor into this basket.
3. Hide said basket in one of the kids’ closets.
4. Turn adrenaline-filled panicked energy to the kitchen!
5. Put all dirty dishes in the sink OR, in case of need for pristine appearance:
   1. Grab a large baking sheet.
   2. Rapidly stack all dirty dishes on baking sheet.
   3. Open oven.
   4. Place baking sheet with dishes inside.
   5. Do not forget they are there later and preheat the oven and cause your dishes to explode. Rather, remove dishes after honored guest has departed.
6. Wipe counters and table.
7. Wipe yogurt off of floor.
8. Sweep up Cheerios and macaroni if toddler/baby/young human has recently or ever eaten in your kitchen.
9. If any children in your house happen to be coated in mud, send them out to play in more mud.
10. If your toddler has removed their diaper, throw a diaper on that baby bum before they pee on the floor!
11. If they have already peed on floor, wipe up speedily with remaining adrenaline.
12. Take a deep exhale. You are a domestic goddess.
13. Answer door calmly and graciously.
14. Refer to your pristine appearing home, saying “I’m sorry it’s such a mess,” while smiling serenely and appearing sincere.
15. When they turn away, laugh evilly under breath, because they will never know.