18 Ways to Build Community Wherever You Are

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In the five years J and I have been married, we have moved three times. Each time, it has taken some time to feel settled, to feel like I belong, and to make friends. Consequently, I have had to learn the art of settling in quickly and becoming at home. Making friends is perhaps the most important part of that, and I’ve found it’s actually a lot easier once you have kids because other parents love to talk about their kids and how they survived various parenting hurdles with other parents.

A big part of the goal is to feel connected to where you are and to other people. Another part of it is to have someone you can call if your car breaks down on a random Tuesday.

To Meet Other Humans Who Dwell Somewhere Near You:

1. Apply deodorant ’cause you’re about to go meet new people like a boss!
2. Consider wearing a bra (am I the only one who considers donning a bra and brushing my teeth to be “getting ready?”).
3. Make this zucchini bread. Acquire several mini bread tins. Double the recipe and bring some zucchini bread to a few of your neighbors. Any of them have kids/seem interesting/don’t scare you? Hit them up first. This is the classic meet-your-neighbors move used since ancient times. Everyone likes food. Of course, there’s always the risk they will be gluten-free/sugar free/vegan/allergic to zucchini. In which case they will probably appreciate the thought and pass the love on to someone else (such as their dog). If you’re not a baker, bring them whatever you are capable of making. If incapable of making, consider wine. If Mormon, consider chocolate.
4. If you’re neighbors speak limited English, try learning a few simple phrases in their language. Ie. “Hi, how are you,” “My name is ___,” and most importantly,”I don’t understand.”
5. Now that you have met your neighbors, the next time you need to borrow baking powder/one egg/etc, go over and ask to borrow some.
6. After you cook/bake whatever you were making, bring them some.
7. Invite them to borrow from you when needed. The feeling of security from knowing you have people you can ask for help in a pinch is a huge part of community.
8. If they have kids (and you would trust them with your kids), consider offering to trade childcare once a month for date night.
9. Rethink your idea of “finding your tribe.” While the idea of tribe-finding sounds incredibly romantic, it also tends to imply in many people’s minds the idea of finding other people who are quite similar to…themselves. Which can be purely delightful. It can also be polarizing. How so? Well, in general, the more people hang around with those who think and believe similarly to themselves, the more deeply entrenched in their positions they tend to become, and they become less likely to consider opposing viewpoints as valid. We know there is great risk in getting too convinced of our own “rightness,” and yet we (humans) tend to crave being around others who will agree with us on everything and validate all our viewpoints. If you get to know the people living or working in close proximity to you, it is likely they will not be exactly the same as you. This is a good thing. You might even find you like them.
10. Of course, if you have many friends whom you enjoy, but who don’t really “get” you on a deeper level, it can be really nice to find some people who are more similar to you, with whom you can talk philosophy/spirituality/self-improvement/mom life/bowling/underwater basket weaving, etc. In this case, a little tribe finding can be helpful. So now, google meetups in your area for the thing you are passionate about and attend one. This is stellar because it is free!
11. Find mommy meetups or mom clubs online. Again, meetup.com is probably the easiest way to find these, but they could also be on facebook or elsewhere.
12. If you live somewhere rural and there are no such groups, consider forming one. Some meet at a coffee shop or park weekly or monthly.
13. Go to mommy and me yoga with your darling little one. (Not free, but potentially fun and a great way to meet other moms).
14. Go to the park. Keep your phone in your bag. When other parents look at you, smile at them in an inviting way (not like that, jeez!). If they are in close proximity to you, make comments to them that are relevant to what is happening in the moment. After a few minutes of small talk, introduce yourself.
15. Go to storytime at the library. Follow same procedure as for the park.
16. On occasion, invite another mom and kiddo over to finger-paint/make oobleck/play in the baby pool/sprinkler outside. Alternatively, invite them over during nap time to drink coffee and talk grown up talk with you.
17. Consider having a babysit-for-free-unless-it-is-a-regular-thing policy with your new friends. Obviously, this depends on whether doing so is tenable for you considering your busy life, and on whether you’re the type that tends to bend over backwards for people and get taken advantage of, but having other moms you can drop the tykes off with in a pinch is pure awesome.
18. Offer to drop your new friends at the airport when needed.

Overall, getting out of the house and to where people are is key, as is finding ways to create reciprocal got-your-back-type-relationships. What are your favorite ways to build community and get to know the people around you?